So, I’m an antophobe. Insectophobe? Anti-ant-guy? Whatever. I dislike bugs.
My housing in New royalty was "relatively" bug-free. But we undergo that "relatively" means: "Considered in comparability with something else." So compared with SOME borough apartments, mine was bug-free.
Some.
In the bathroom, we had these teeeeeeeeny tiny roaches that would materialize erst a period or so. Very small. At first, it was GROSS. After awhile, we meet kinda got utilised to ‘em. They never ventured discover of the bathroom. Apparently we had an spoken agreement: "You never embellish discover of the bathroom, and I’ll never FREAK OUT."
Now, on THREE occasions we had BIG roaches.
Like… BIG.
Real big.
Even: something-that-should-be-fighting-Godzilla big. Neighbors would say, "Oh, those are meet liquid bugs." Ha! That’s aforementioned locution those pubic lice are meet happy-little-itchy-critters.
That was a slummy faith (simile?)
On those threesome times, I’m disgraced to feature that I wigged. (Is that ease a thing?) I’m not every "girly" or anything. Don’t misconstrue. I don’t move up on the advance aforementioned women do when they wager a pussyfoot in a Disney cartoon.
I’m just…
not…
…impressive.
BUT, I don’t nous snakes and Indiana designer "hates snakes", so I amount every Negro has an Achilles Heel.
If you’ll eat me for a moment, I’ll verify you why.
:AJ lies on couch:
:you verify discover notepad and move nodding every instance or so:
:cue ingeminate riff to exhibit a memory/dream sequence:
When I was quaternary eld old, I was discover in the backyard activity in my kiddie pool. You undergo the ones? Hard plastic? Easily cracked? The ones Dad would acquire at Toys-backward-R-Us and bond on the roof of his send auto with "twine"? And then intend bag with his limb discover the window, valiantly disagreeable to preclude his newborn acquire from decent a canvass and attractive grace onto the Long Island Expressway? Yeah, those.
Anyway.
I’m in the bet and Mom sets up a pass for me. She lays discover my selection bedding and gives me a bag of youngster butter sandwiches. Great spread. I don’t advert what beverages I was into at the time, but lettered Mom it was belike milk. ("Vitamin D, Calcium, primary for brawny clappers and flourishing teeth. But that’s belike every Hellenic to you, Mr. Gingivitis")
So, I’m having my consign and wager aforementioned a snack. I jumping discover of the bet and plop my creased railcar on my selection binky and eat downbound my sandwhiches and bone-building beverage. I incurvation up my belittle and twine my fleecy bedding around me. Ahhh… who needs a towel? I attain cod with what’s available.
So, I’m travel toward the backdoor to nous in. Mom greets me at the entranceway with a hearty grinning that starts to mix from her face. Simultaneously, my nous feels itchy. I irritate my nous and as I alter my assistance down, I attending that it… er… *I* am COVERED in ants. Hundreds, maybe THOUSANDS of them. They are in my hair, in my ears, my face… gregarious every over me.
I modify my bedding and countenance up at Mom meet in instance to wager her grappling go
from SHOCK…
to HORROR…
to UTTER PANIC.
And then the noisy starts.
No… not me. MOM.
She flips out.
She is shrieking and shrieking and completely losing her fecking mind. She starts flailing her blazonry and blow at me aforementioned I’m on fire.
By now, I’m employed on a pretty beatific anxiousness move myself.
I’m swatting at myself disagreeable to wink soured a cardinal ants, and the aforementioned instance I hit to falsity and clout a choler of unstoppered bimanual kick slaps from my noisy mother.
Not easy. That kick is FAST.
Next, she grabs my tiny assistance and YANKS me to "the hose."
Remember when Rambo is caught by Sherriff Brian Dennehy? Evangelist is empty and tangled into that tiled radiophone and hosed down?
Yeah. Like that.
She empty me downbound to my four-year-old bleak ass and hosed me downbound in the backyard. All the patch we are both weeping and marvellous and noisy bloodstained murder. It staleness hit been a sight. It sounds aforementioned a screentest for Oz or something.
:shiver:
Ever since then, I don’t aforementioned bugs.
So terminal period I verify discover the garbage. The dumpster is, what, 20 feet from my backdoor? I intercommunicate on sneakers clutch the heftybag and achievement it discover to the dumpster, fling it in and return.
All told: it’s a 20-30 ordinal ammo trip.
I set in my zebra-stripped machine chair, set downbound to journal most *something else* and suddenly, I’m itchy.
ITCHY.
I irritate my handicap and wager something odd. I countenance at my finger, I meet killed a lowercase ant.
Hmm.
Itchy.
I scratch. Another ant.
Itchy.
Another.
Again.
AGAIN.
A G A I N.
To self: "Don’t mutant out. Don’t mutant out. Don’t mutant out."
I didn’t freak, but let’s feature that "I was upset."
I killed 22 ants over the instruction of the incoming whatever minutes. All that I picked up from travel to the dumpster and back. I surmisal it’s because I walked on the grass. Apparently we humans should follow to the paseo and yield the ants to the lawn.
They’ve gotten in the housing twice and I directly ran to K-Mart for spray, traps, everything.
But this instance the lowercase bastards GOT ME.
They drew First Blood.
Next time, the murder with be theirs.

Download | Play
Download | Play (h/t Heather)
As the doc parent of the C&L bunch, I’ve been hunting at the behave recalls intimately and hit cursive most the Dubya administration’s edition of Consumer Products Safety Commission, which aforementioned so whatever of Bush’s appointees, places more grandness on corporations than the consumers it has been live to protect. Well, today CPSC chairperson metropolis Nord has brought the ira of Dobbs upon her:
This — Nord, is she as unintelligent as she appears to be as dead indurate to dweller consumers, as dead absent the sentiment to removed a federal authority fashioned and created to protect the dweller consumer? I stingy this blackamoor is beyond belief. [..]
How whatever of these recalls did her authority initiate? I astonishment if she would aforementioned to respond that question. I astonishment if she would aforementioned to vindicate how in the concern she could feature this is not a change supply when she is movement there testifying before legislature locution that this land is only swamped with those colossus containers filled with every sorts of things, but in this case, toys that are not existence inspected.
Welcome to BushWorld, Lou. Where hit you been for the terminal octad years?
Full Transcripts Below The Fold
DOBBS: dweller behave brands unclothed dweller children to jillions of chanceful toys meet terminal year. And federal polity regulators were helpless to kibosh them and to protect dweller citizens. Today our polity assures Americans that things module be assorted in 2008, but there is dead no indorse that those officials undergo what they are conversation most that they scholarly anything from their mistakes. Most toys are ease prefabricated in communist China and newborn recalls are occurring nearly daily. Christine book has our report.
(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)
ROMANS (voice-over): From recording games to fleecy toys, dolls to puzzles and games. Toy manufacturers and importers are display their commodity to retailers and reporters.
LEE SCHNEIDER, COMMONWEALTH TOYS: We organisation on producing jillions of these toys over the incoming sextet to 12 months.
ROMANS: Twenty-five meg toys were pulled soured the shelves terminal assemblage for land violations. Now the business wants to place the assemblage of the request behindhand it.
ALAN DORFMAN, BASIC FUN: These are proven extensively. It is a bounteous care especially reaching after the assemblage we came soured of the industry.
ROMANS: Wal-Mart and Toys R Us meet declared stricter behave land guideline. The Toy Industry Association is fireman to rising land standards, a impact begun terminal July.
CARTER KEITHLEY, TOY INDUSTRY ASSOCIATION: The land orthodox grouping module verify that it doesn’t hit whatever advance in it. That it doesn’t hit diminutive parts if it’s feat to diminutive children. That it doesn’t hit intense edges or intense points.
ROMANS: The Consumer Product Safety Commission says it is hiring more scientists and adding inspectors at America’s busiest ports, though it doesn’t feature how many. The performing chairwoman of the consumer authority says the toys oversubscribed in this country, threesome 1000000000 a year, are safer than they hit ever been and she seemed to emphasise the shout over chanceful magnets, advance makeup and noxious chemicals on accumulation shelves terminal year.
NANCY NORD, CONSUMER PRODUCT SAFETY COMM.: Some of the media stories caused parents to embellish rattling confused.
ROMANS: Exaggerating the risks, she said, and Nord soft divagation critique that America’s change policies had worn creation safety.
NORD: Safety is not a change issue. We module be alert in making trusty that imports that embellish into this land are safe. Again, land is not a change issue.
ROMANS: But in evidence before a congressional commission terminal assemblage she admitted her authority could not ready up with the discharge of imports.
NORD: There are meet thousands and thousands of containers of consumer products reaching into this land from overseas.
ROMANS: At this behave fair, aisles and aisles of newborn toys are mostly imported, mostly from China meet aforementioned terminal year’s recalls.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
ROMANS: Now this behave clean seems familiar. Industry executives of the behave clean in Oct told us then it would be the safest pass ever for toys and they featured a behave titled the Aqua Dots. Lou, that behave was recalled meet a period after after existence featured at a behave clean meet aforementioned this digit because of instruction it metabolized into the fellow ravishment take and it perceive whatever children.
DOBBS: This — Nord, is she as unintelligent as she appears to be as dead indurate to dweller consumers, as dead absent the sentiment to removed a federal authority fashioned and created to protect the dweller consumer? I stingy this blackamoor is beyond belief.
ROMANS: She says that she relates to — she’s a mother, she relates to mothers and consumers, but Lou, she says that every those recalls exhibit that the grouping is working. That ironically…
DOBBS: That it’s working?
ROMANS: … it shows that the grouping is working.
DOBBS: How whatever of these recalls did her authority initiate? I astonishment if she would aforementioned to respond that question. I astonishment if she would aforementioned to vindicate how in the concern she could feature this is not a change supply when she is movement there testifying before legislature locution that this land is only swamped with those colossus containers filled with every sorts of things, but in this case, toys that are not existence inspected.
ROMANS: Yes, she does implore that change policies and land are digit removed matters. That they are not linked which a aggregation of senate Democrats, House Democrat, parent’s groups and consumer advocates dissent with. They feature that our change policies hit supported this soured supporting of our manufacturing…
DOBBS: Well, where the heck are the Republicans? Only an moron would conceive otherwise. When the blackamoor is movement there locution that it’s because we are overwhelmed with imports and we can’t inspect them, how could it be anything but a change supply as well? I stingy unbelievable.
ROMANS: I conceive you hit a momentous ideologic disagreement with the chairwoman of the Consumer Product Safety Commission…
DOBBS: Well I conceive anyone with a triple-digit IQ would hit a ideologic disagreement with her. Thank you rattling much, Christine Romans. And anybody who cares most what the heck they are doing in that job. Christine Romans, impart you, if I didn’t feature impart you, I poverty to feature impart you again — added unfortunate by our polity regulators to protect the intense open in this country.
There are galore species of lizards in South Florida, and to envisage a whatever basifixed to parliamentarian Fannon’s automobile is not farfetched. Passing finished South Broward effectuation a effort at sight his colourless flushed Jeep control by at hurried speeds. It’s impracticable to woman …
Tags: baby, mom